The Lighter Side of Things

There's been many bitchy posts lately... a little too political, a little too preachy. The Munchies decided to back off for a just post a little 80's throwback tribute.

Background - if you love the Karate Kid, back the truck up and get your fill of No More Kings. Their "Sweep the Leg" video has the original Johnny, Creese, most of the Cobra Kai including the "get him a body bag!" guy who always reminded me of Mark Hamill, and even a little Ralph Macchio at the end. Interestingly, Ralph still looks like he's 12 years old even though he was 24 when Karate Kid was released. I'm not sure why Mr. Belding from Saved By the Bell is in it, but who cares.

Sweep the leg. Do you have a problem with that?

It's Been Awhile, Folks

Well, I'll be GODDAMNED!

I've read about these people in history books.  I've seen movies like "Mississippi Burning," "Deliverance" and "Texas Chainsaw Massacre."  Hell, "The Beverly Hillbillies" and "Next of Kin" even shone a bright light on the idea of backwoods gentry.   (Side note: "Next of Kin" was a delightful example of Patrick Swayze's acting depth - especially when he whoops ass on the mob with a crossbow.)

I shouldn't judge.  I believe the folks in the following clip cast an ugly shadow on the trailer trash and Mountain Williams of the greater United States.  How 'bout we just say, ignorant racists?  Does that fit?  

Fuck me!  People really believe this shit?!  My respect to you for at least being honest with your feelings.  The last posting in this blog commented on the trouble with those in the Midwest with passive-aggressiveness... that is DEFINITELY not the problem with these people.

I can't be that surprised.  Pat Buchanan on Hardball with Chris Matthews last week finally (collective sigh of relief) said what EVERY American has been thinking for... well at least a couple of days: that Colin Powell wouldn't support Barack Obama if Obama was white.  Yep, a national political pundit in his vast experience and wisdom reduces Powell, who...

• is Masters educated
• served 35 years in the Army including 2 terms in Vietnam, 4-star general at retirement - will kick your ass, my ass and anyone else's in his way
• assistant to Ronald Reagan on National Security - Reagan knew to tap the smarties for good help
• Youngest ever Chair of the Joint Chiefs of Staff - the highest position in the Department of Defense
• Confirmed Secretary of State unanimously by the Senate - that means both parties liked him
• Regularly negotiated with foreign leaders, presented to the United Nations General Assembly

... to playing the race card.  Are you shitting me, Pat?  You're so fucking racist that you can actually convince ourself that the aforementioned person can't see beyond race?  I suppose, if you can't it's hard to believe that others could either.  ARGH!  Too much anger before bed. Nighty night, don't let ignorance cloud your dreams and don't let the man get you down.

More overt racism than Minnesotans are accustomed to...

People in Minnesota have been accused of being just as racist as those south of the Mason-Dixon line.  Those up here would disagree, "haven't you heard of Minnesota Nice?!"  Really it's what we here at MUNCHIES RULE call Minnesota Passive Aggressiveness.  I know we haven't trademarked that phrase or idea.  Minnesotans might have those thoughts and feelings but we'll be damned if we're going to vocalize them or make them overtly public.

Then I went to the Minnesota State Fair.

I never thought I'd see such an actual Klan demonstration in this fair state or even this far north in the United States.  What a sad day for Minnesotans and anti-xenophobia, although a positive day for First Amendment rights.

Someone got to make fun of him before me

Wow. Just stunning that Rush is soooo full of his own bullshit that he can't do anything but nitpick and take pot shots. I wish to all things holy that a personality like him could actually make an argument that:
a. wasn't opinion - you can't call someone stupid then qualify it by saying "because I said so."
2. used something other than out-of-context facts - attributing his slip in polls to to complaints about attacks from republicans.
d. Disguising racist statements as a revelation of "taboo" subjects. It taps the fear in people of being accused of being racist and says "I'm not making a racist statement, I'm saying what people feel."

Problem is... it's still racist. You're the timid little child who annoys everyone, then puts people on the defensive by accusing them of hating him or her. That way he or she never needs to reflect on the fact that they are indeed a complete jackass but only need to put others in the position of having to defend their feelings that they actually don't feel.

By saying "you can't hit the little black man child" he's putting others in a position of having to defend feelings THEY DON'T HAVE so he can spew racist statements without having to defend his own garbage.

Fuck you, Rush, you chicken shit piece of racist trash.

Screw ASL

Yeah, this is way better than that crap ASL or AFL or whatever you sign languagies like to call communication.

Is this religious enthusiasm gone awry?

Some of the greatest weapons ever conceived:

He-Man's Sword of Power (By the power of Grayskull!) ...

Thor, God of Thunder, and his mighty hammer, Mjolnir...

Zeus' Thunderbolt...

Sauron's Ring...

a Jedi's lightsaber...



... and the Armor of God?



Please allow me to preface. I'm a Jesus fan. I'm a recovering Catholic who still believes in a Christian God (notice the capital "G") despite also believing that it happens to be the same god that Jews, Muslims, the Lakota and pretty much every other religion believes in. There IS a higher power in the universe, don't fuck with me on this.

I also have a strong belief in stories and legend as a method of teaching our youth. It creates positive connections with the past and, if performed correctly, teaches analysis and self-reflection. These are all traits desirable in healthy citizens.

I am also in favor of delivering a sense of security to your children as necessary...

... BUT COME ON!

Let's see if I can put these ridiculous garments in perspective:

• A boy playing the violin in elementary school...
• ... still less likely to get his ass kicked from here to the woodwinds than the kid caught wearing these PJ's.
• Wetting the bed at camp...
• ... still less embarrassing than wearing these.
  
• Feeling scared to participate in a "Woody Contest" at a 3rd grade birthday party...
• ... still less scary than the fires of hell licking the bottom of my feet "fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace." (Ephesians 6:15, NIV)
• Can you imagine filling a child with so much fear of hell that they need a SATIN SHIELD to protect themselves at night?

Another criticism I have, the creators, in my opinion, took the Ephesians text a bit too literally. From Ephesians Chapter 6:

• Verse 14: Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place,
• Verse 15: and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace
• Verse 16: In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith
• Verse 17: Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit

Hey lady, if you're going to make the costume, DO IT RIGHT. GIMME MY DAMNED (HA, pun) SWORD OF THE SPIRIT! I want to be able to smite my enemy, I can't do that with a shield, that just makes me a well-protected punching bag. Jesus' followers need to be able to take the offense every once in a while.

God bless the Singer Corporation (or Husqvarna), God bless internet marketing and God bless a lack of metaphorical interpretation.

PS -> Special thanks to a very special teacher.
a. It is capri weather.
b. I'm hot for teacher.

Thrill of the Hunt

This came from a friend titled: Why Men Shouldn't Own Action Figures.

What I enjoy:

• Solid composition - the gutter really accentuates the perspective.
• Male pride - "I shot this and godammit boys, it don't get no better than this. Now let's go crack a Meisterbrau."
  
• Hunting in your army BDU's.
• The casual, yet assertive stance of the hunter in green. He seems to say, "Hell of a shot, wasn't it, bitch?"

Bravo. Eat your heart out Ansel Adams.

Nice driving, Jackass.

I shouldn't tease too much.  There was a time at the Take & Bake drive-through, pulling a trailer that was wider than the truck doing the pulling... They had (keep your eye on the word HAD) a railing for steps next to the drive-through.  Then I drove through and the railing came too.

Enjoy this - he has bigger problems than I did.

How Not To Use The Drive Through ATM - Watch more free videos

Was that you or me?

This made me giggle, too.  Who's 8 years old?  ME!

Darth Vader is hysterical.

Sweet Fucking Martha

Some friends directed the Munchies to the concept of this "service." I've heard of frivolous stuff: personal shoppers, sleep counselors to optimize a baby's sleeping space, feng shui, $525 for a shot of 55 year-old Macallan scotch, porno fluffer (well this is legitimate, who can get hard on cue? Answer: most guys, but I digress).

I was told this story and I wanted to cry... wait, throw up... no, punch someone in the throat. I am in favor of spending your money as you see fit, but I'm also in favor of making fun of people who ARE CATEGORICALLY STUPID.

Let me explain what we're dealing here. Some people are so inept, so insecure in their own abilities to adequately care for their own children that they hire someone to NAME them. If you can't handle naming them, how are you going to handle decisions that actually matter like, umm I don't know, nursing or formula, disposable or cloth, teaching hard work and resilience (beyond paying for other people to do it for him or her).

Sorry I'm being hard. You're right, it's the name that will fuck up young Sebastian, not the lack of a meaningful connection with his parents and peers.

Here's the web site...... and the "menu" of options.

1. 20 minute phone consultation with Maryanna - $75

• Simple math - that's $225 per hour, I'm in the wrong business.

2. Complete naming package - $350
- 2 one-hour phone conversations with Maryanna
- Unlimited email contact with Maryanna during the naming process

• She's charging more per minute than most sexy talk lines. Especially those with Vicki Pollard at the other end.
  
• Thank the maker that she's letting me email her. I wouldn't want to get my money's worth or anything.
• She really upped the phone call allotment. Notice how she keeps a distance from the clients like the Great and Powerful Oz. Is the business in her mom's basement? "Pay no attention to the consultant behind the curtain covering the Christmas ornaments!"
  

3. First name package - $200

• Her middle name will be Bertha, I just can't get the first name right.

4. Middle name package - $100

• Young Rufus just isn't complete yet...

I just don't know what to do with my disposable income can you help?

Wow....just wow!

How many babies is she feeding?????

Survey says...

My dream

I dream of a day when a cell phone can be nothing more than a small chip inserted in the ear. For those who can't wait...

Why I Love Babies...

Ooh Baby

If there was ever a video made that makes a gal get lady wood....here it is!

If you need to crap, crap on your car!

Problem 1: We travel around this great state of ours. No matter the distance to travel or how long (is a Chinaman) we've actually been in the car, someone always needs to use the can.

Cut to problem 2: Picture me out in the woods, fully armed (rifle, skinning knife with gut hook, 9 mm on my hip, boot knife, machete, multi-tool, ankle holster with a .38 snub, shillelagh, trusty tomahawk and a rock for good measure), my bibs pulled over long underwear and jacket over the top. All of a sudden a pressure builds at my colon and I'm reminded that a Reser's Beef Chimichanga was not a good breakfast.

Lucky for me, I attached a shitter to my vehicle. Problem solved.

Uncle Booger's Bumper Dumper has arrived

He's gonna kick my ass!

SAVE Britney!!!

This guy is so dedicated to Britney, he'll even make an ass of himself on video and post it for all to see.

She can sing, dance AND throw a ball. So very talented!

The Butt Out Tool

I like deer hunting. I have never fired at a deer but I enjoy the hunt - maybe because I've never had to field dress (gut out) or skin a deer myself. One of the parts to skinning a deer is that you need to remove the anal cavity so that the poop in the deer doesn't contaminate your meat. This is not an easy job... until now. (trumpet fanfare) INTRODUCING THE BUTT OUT TOOL! only $9.99 at Cabelas.

Here are the instructions for use:

Immediately after harvesting game, insert the Butt-Out Tool into the anal canal and twist until it grabs the membrane. Continue twisting another half turn, then steadily pull the Butt-Out Tool out of the canal. Extract 10" of membrane, tie the membrane off and cut.

Let's talk about what I love.

1. Inexpensive.
2. Makes a tough job easy.
3. It's a pretty orange so it really glows when sticking out of a deer's ass.
4. It's been rated 92 times at Cabelas.com with 4.4 / 5.0 average customer satisfaction.

This last rating means that some people actually love it and some don't. The people that complained warned of...

• ...only giving a quarter turn before ripping the butthole out, too much rotation can tear it.
• ...don't use it in cold weather when it could break on the ground. (ummm, I am not supposed to step on it?)
  
• ..."on smaller deer it didn't work at all. The tool pushed through the intestine and made a real mess of things." (This guy might be a little aggressive with the corn hole of an animal. He could use some therapy.)

God bless Cabelas, and God bless torn buttholes.

Vicky Pollard - Little Britain

We were introduced to Little Britain by a friend.  The show follows everything this blog stands for- uncomfortable homosexuality, bodily functions, grotesque nudity and laughs. We have enjoyed it so very much and want to share one character- Vicky Pollard.  Amen.

White Trash Drive In

Season opener! White Trash Drive In is OPEN FOR BUSINESS! For those that don't know, that's movies on the deck with a projector, a bed sheet and a dvd player.

First night was gorgeous during the day but after the sun went down it was fuckin' freezing. The selection was Gremlins, so good. We had Funyuns, chocolate chip cookies, Hamms in a can and the Doritos seen below - they're actually part of a contest where you get to guess the flavor. Top guess of the night: Mexican restaurant and feet.

What a terrific night.

Bill O'Reilly

Man, that guy can wrap.

Dildo or Train Whistle?

Either way, it's by far the best anonymous gift I've ever received.

99 words cannot describe...

Insert Caption

ASL My Ass!

Listen up deafies. Oh, that's right, you can't. Well, then read up! Time to evolve. ASL is old news. Time to start communicating in English or go back to your own country.

Even retards on Youtube with excessive free time and no real social life are doing it.



p.s. Yes, I'm going straight to the hell.

The (bleeping) Count

This makes me laugh every time I watch it.  Nothing inappropriate, just cleverly added bleeps so the dirty-minded fills in whatever you want.

Personally I like to believe he's saying, "jog" or "jogging" at every bleep.  Makes me think he's on a health kick.

(sniff) Storm Troopers Have Feelings Too

I can't take credit for this.  My friend posted it from a Facebook page.  Kudos to whomever.

Liberal Douche Bag Celebrity of the Day

Global warming threatens to create climate change at a scale that will threaten human life on earth. Desertification is already beginning to decay social and politcal fabrics in sub-saharan Africa. Oil is reaching a breaking point, a point at which demand and supply will tip and the global energy infrastructure could collapse causing major electricity and gas shortages. Water supply is now at such a crisis point that millions are dying every year from diseases which have known and simple cures, but require clean water.

No need to worry. Ed Norton, whose vast experience in environmental sciences includes pretending to be a childhood icon named Smoochy the Rhino, has the answer.


Children of Africa, sleep well tonight. Ed Norton brings his own bag to the grocery store and when the Islamic militants who are circling your refugee camp while fighting a centuries long war find out, they will run away in fear and never return.

Celebrities, here's a tip on avoiding becoming a liberal douche bag. Stick to what you're good at. When it comes to saving the environment, there are a lot of other people in the world who are much better at it than you. Ed, for example, is much better singing off camera with his liberal douche bag friends.

No shit, this was really my first tray in Inappropriate Scrabble

For the uninitiated, we play Inappropriate Scrabble.  In a way it follows exactly what this blog is for - making the right people laugh.  It's a perfect game to entertain a small group (like normal Scrabble) except we don't care about winners and losers, we care about who can come closest to offending another human while still keeping them from suppressing a giggle.  

This version of the classic Parker Brothers game is surprisingly similar to the original Scrabble  except for the fact that we've tossed out the parts that stifle creativity and open it up to unapologetic, crass, offensive and, as the name suggests, inappropriate humor.  Here are variations of the rules:

1. No scoring.
2. Trading letters with people is OK.
3. Spelling does not matter and abbreviations are OK.
4. If you can describe the entry in a sentence, it's acceptable. 

There was an episode of "Mad About You" a number of years ago that perfectly exemplified this idea.  Paul, Ira and Marvin were out for a boys' night and Marvin revealed something personal.  Paul suggested the reason for this was that he was "a big sissy" knowing that what he was saying was the worst possible response in the situation.  Later he connects with a man at a bar who in turn tell him of his courageous triumph over drinking to which Paul says, "that's terrific, let me buy you a drink to celebrate."He strikes out all night.  Finally he gets home gushing to his wife, Jamie, about how he missed she and their baby.  She greets him warmly and walks away calling him, "sissy."  To which he responds, "THANK YOU."  MORAL OF THE STORY:  Sometimes the worst comment in a situation is also the funniest, and a wise person knows when to lay it out there.

Cheetos - Eye on the Prize

Here's an awesome video for Cheetos. If we are one of the top 20 teams, we get a year supply of Cheetos. Who decides what that means?...Cheetos defines it at 52 coupons at a value of $3.59/coupon.

The Double Whammy, Double Huckle, Twin Dongs for Your Weekend Enjoyment

HOLY CRAP!

I'm a little skeeved out by the splashing water all over the place.  Kudos to anyone getting this type of enjoyment out of a bidet.  Kinda tickles the nether-region doesn't it.

Oh and to the lovely Catholic School Girl in my life and really, in all our lives, a tribute from the Red Hot Chili Peppers.  Take it away!

Allow me to introduce myself

Yo. I am Catholic School Girl. I have taken the liberty to assign names to each of us so we can appropriately yet discreetly speak to each other. I am Catholic School Girl, the one I live with is Elvis Dancer. You other yahoos are Jack Tripper and Big Nut. You know who you are.

I heard something funny today. "I lost my virginity, but I still have the box it came in."

2 girls 1 cup

Thanks a lot, anonymous friend who happens to have one very large testicle. Now I'll never eat chocolate icecream out of a cup ever again. For those who have never seen the video, don't. Seriously, it will scar you and not a cool Harrison Ford chin scar. More like a Margot Kidder complete meltdown scar.

So I'll spare you the actual video and describe it, as it's best to describe anything, in a song.

A Good Place to Start

I'm coming out of my cage and I've been doing just fine.
- Mr. Brightside, by The Killers

Oh it feels great to be able to just say stuff and not worry about who's going to know.

I thought this would be a nice place to start.

Enjoy.