Sweet Fucking Martha

Some friends directed the Munchies to the concept of this "service." I've heard of frivolous stuff: personal shoppers, sleep counselors to optimize a baby's sleeping space, feng shui, $525 for a shot of 55 year-old Macallan scotch, porno fluffer (well this is legitimate, who can get hard on cue? Answer: most guys, but I digress).

I was told this story and I wanted to cry... wait, throw up... no, punch someone in the throat. I am in favor of spending your money as you see fit, but I'm also in favor of making fun of people who ARE CATEGORICALLY STUPID.

Let me explain what we're dealing here. Some people are so inept, so insecure in their own abilities to adequately care for their own children that they hire someone to NAME them. If you can't handle naming them, how are you going to handle decisions that actually matter like, umm I don't know, nursing or formula, disposable or cloth, teaching hard work and resilience (beyond paying for other people to do it for him or her).

Sorry I'm being hard. You're right, it's the name that will fuck up young Sebastian, not the lack of a meaningful connection with his parents and peers.

Here's the web site...... and the "menu" of options.

1. 20 minute phone consultation with Maryanna - $75

• Simple math - that's $225 per hour, I'm in the wrong business.

2. Complete naming package - $350
- 2 one-hour phone conversations with Maryanna
- Unlimited email contact with Maryanna during the naming process

• She's charging more per minute than most sexy talk lines. Especially those with Vicki Pollard at the other end.
  
• Thank the maker that she's letting me email her. I wouldn't want to get my money's worth or anything.
• She really upped the phone call allotment. Notice how she keeps a distance from the clients like the Great and Powerful Oz. Is the business in her mom's basement? "Pay no attention to the consultant behind the curtain covering the Christmas ornaments!"
  

3. First name package - $200

• Her middle name will be Bertha, I just can't get the first name right.

4. Middle name package - $100

• Young Rufus just isn't complete yet...

I just don't know what to do with my disposable income can you help?

Wow....just wow!

How many babies is she feeding?????

Survey says...

My dream

I dream of a day when a cell phone can be nothing more than a small chip inserted in the ear. For those who can't wait...

Why I Love Babies...

Ooh Baby

If there was ever a video made that makes a gal get lady wood....here it is!

If you need to crap, crap on your car!

Problem 1: We travel around this great state of ours. No matter the distance to travel or how long (is a Chinaman) we've actually been in the car, someone always needs to use the can.

Cut to problem 2: Picture me out in the woods, fully armed (rifle, skinning knife with gut hook, 9 mm on my hip, boot knife, machete, multi-tool, ankle holster with a .38 snub, shillelagh, trusty tomahawk and a rock for good measure), my bibs pulled over long underwear and jacket over the top. All of a sudden a pressure builds at my colon and I'm reminded that a Reser's Beef Chimichanga was not a good breakfast.

Lucky for me, I attached a shitter to my vehicle. Problem solved.

Uncle Booger's Bumper Dumper has arrived

He's gonna kick my ass!

SAVE Britney!!!

This guy is so dedicated to Britney, he'll even make an ass of himself on video and post it for all to see.

She can sing, dance AND throw a ball. So very talented!

The Butt Out Tool

I like deer hunting. I have never fired at a deer but I enjoy the hunt - maybe because I've never had to field dress (gut out) or skin a deer myself. One of the parts to skinning a deer is that you need to remove the anal cavity so that the poop in the deer doesn't contaminate your meat. This is not an easy job... until now. (trumpet fanfare) INTRODUCING THE BUTT OUT TOOL! only $9.99 at Cabelas.

Here are the instructions for use:

Immediately after harvesting game, insert the Butt-Out Tool into the anal canal and twist until it grabs the membrane. Continue twisting another half turn, then steadily pull the Butt-Out Tool out of the canal. Extract 10" of membrane, tie the membrane off and cut.

Let's talk about what I love.

1. Inexpensive.
2. Makes a tough job easy.
3. It's a pretty orange so it really glows when sticking out of a deer's ass.
4. It's been rated 92 times at Cabelas.com with 4.4 / 5.0 average customer satisfaction.

This last rating means that some people actually love it and some don't. The people that complained warned of...

• ...only giving a quarter turn before ripping the butthole out, too much rotation can tear it.
• ...don't use it in cold weather when it could break on the ground. (ummm, I am not supposed to step on it?)
  
• ..."on smaller deer it didn't work at all. The tool pushed through the intestine and made a real mess of things." (This guy might be a little aggressive with the corn hole of an animal. He could use some therapy.)

God bless Cabelas, and God bless torn buttholes.